Recurring dreams

Every morning, I wake up with dreams still lingering in my head.  I can pretty much say that I can remember my dreams from the night before 99% of the time.  Some dreams last in my memory just  a little longer than others.  Like this one...

I'm in the house when the door bell rings.  I go open the door, and my dad is standing there with a wide grin.  Then I freeze.  I think to myself that it is just a dream, and I will wake up any second.  But somehow, I convince myself that this time it's for real.  The scenario varies by little each time this dream occurs.  Sometimes he appears in the house just randomly, doing normal things as if nothing has changed or happened.  And other times he comes from outside as if just returning from a business trip.  Life always resumes as usual, and mom doesn't act surprised like I do in my dreams.  But in the end of each dream, he is always preparing to leave again, but promises to be back soon.  Then the reality crashes back and I wake up.  More often than not though, my alarm wakes me up before he leaves and I always try to go back to sleep to try and catch him... but that never works.

I haven't dreamt of him in a while, until last night or this morning.  This time, the dream was different.

It's morning time, just an ordinary day.  He's talking to someone about business in one room, and I'm getting ready to head out in another.  For some reason I had to go to my neighbor's place, but when I get there, there are two wolves (yes, I know, random), one white, one black.  They were on a leash but weren't happy to see me.  The white one starts growling viciously at me and ran towards me, but the leash kept him from getting too close.  But the leash on the black one was longer, so when the black one came at me, I held out my hand in defense and he bit my thumb.  I go back to my house and tells my dad that I need to get a shot.  He looks at his schedule and says "I would take you now, but I have meetings all afternoon, so we need to go afterwards."  This time, I thought to myself, he's not coming back after those meetings, he'll vanish again.... and then I woke up.

I know that it's my subconsciousness that is generating these dreams.  It's because I still miss him, and feel like I need closure... but part of me really wish that there is an alternate universe where he is still with me and we are just living a normal life, and I have this special gift that allows me to see that alternate universe through my vivid dreams.  But of course, that's science fiction.

Dreaming is a mysterious phenomenon for me.  I'm not going all Freudian or anything, but I do believe that dream interpretation is a valid way to map a person's subconscious.  Of course, lets not forget that dreams are often meaningless, generated by nothing but random signals from neurons in the brain that project images in the sensory blah blah blah.... *yawn* For the sake of me feeling superior, I will believe that my dreams have special meanings.

Do you have any recurring dreams?  What are they?  What do you think they mean?!

Never had the chance...

I never had the chance to say goodbye.
I don't know what would be worse, seeing your loved one slip away right in front of your eyes, or not seeing them until a suit is put on and they're placed in a silk lined wooden box?  Seeing them would make it harder at the moment, but at least there's an opportunity of a life time (literally) to say how much you love them, right?  I have never had that opportunity unfortunately.  Some people say they have and it was the most traumatizing moment, but to me, I would rather have that moment and cherish it forever.  I would not see it as traumatizing but beautiful and forever memorable.

If I had the chance to say goodbye to my father, I would let him know that he meant the world to me.
If I had the chance to be by his side during the last moments of his life, I would beg him to stay with me, hang on tight just for me.  This is a repeating scene in my mind, it's like a broken record that keeps playing... I think to myself, if only I had been there for him, maybe he would have made it. But I will never find out now.

Everyone's perception of their loved ones is subjection.  As a child, I observed my dad from far away.  I listened to stories told by his friends and this is what I found out about him. As a friend, he was the man who got up at 4am in the morning when a friend of a friend called for help, he was the man who would loan people money because their business is tanking, he was also the one people would turn to at a dinner party to break the ice.  He brought friendship and laughter wherever he went.

I found letters that he wrote me during his business trips when I was young, I think I was too young to read his letters back then so my grandpa saved them for me.  It wasn't until recently I came across those letters.  There must have been a dozen of them and in every single one, he told me that all he ever wanted was to give me the best of everything in the world.  I wish I could go back in time and tell him that he was the best in the world to me.

My father never raised his voice at me.  You could say that I was a little Daddy's girl because whenever I did get to see him during the year, he would shower me with hugs and kisses.  Though, he spoiled me, he never let me forget that nothing in life comes for free.

It's been ten years since mom and I uprooted ourselves and moved to America.  Nothing has been easy.  It is one thing to move, it is quiet another to try and adapt to a new culture, learn the language, leave all the family and friends behind, and Start Over.  One thing I will say, though it may sound strange and totally cliche, but I never felt alone.  At times when everything was going south and suddenly, it's as if there is a strong force pulling on the other end and everything would work out magically.

During these years, mom and I have accomplished a lot.  Now that I'm in my 20's, with a handful of friends already married or getting married, I can't help but to think about my own big day.  I know it's a little too far ahead since my love life is nonexistent at the moment, but it just kills me that my dad won't be there to give me away, nor will I have a father-daughter dance!  I know I'm not the only girl without a father, I wonder how they make it through.

Anyways, I think I did okay for my first ever blog, and hopefully I can keep this up.
I never had the chance to tell My dad how much I loved him, but for all of you guys out there with fathers still with you, don't miss the chance.  Tell him how you feel, whether good or bad.  There is nothing worse than regretting a missed opportunity to speak your mind.

See you next time.