Big Day..

Tomorrow is the big day...

It's Do or DIE!!

Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but it is a really big deal.  So whoever is out there reading this almost-meaningless, barely-there blog, WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!  

Recurring dreams

Every morning, I wake up with dreams still lingering in my head.  I can pretty much say that I can remember my dreams from the night before 99% of the time.  Some dreams last in my memory just  a little longer than others.  Like this one...

I'm in the house when the door bell rings.  I go open the door, and my dad is standing there with a wide grin.  Then I freeze.  I think to myself that it is just a dream, and I will wake up any second.  But somehow, I convince myself that this time it's for real.  The scenario varies by little each time this dream occurs.  Sometimes he appears in the house just randomly, doing normal things as if nothing has changed or happened.  And other times he comes from outside as if just returning from a business trip.  Life always resumes as usual, and mom doesn't act surprised like I do in my dreams.  But in the end of each dream, he is always preparing to leave again, but promises to be back soon.  Then the reality crashes back and I wake up.  More often than not though, my alarm wakes me up before he leaves and I always try to go back to sleep to try and catch him... but that never works.

I haven't dreamt of him in a while, until last night or this morning.  This time, the dream was different.

It's morning time, just an ordinary day.  He's talking to someone about business in one room, and I'm getting ready to head out in another.  For some reason I had to go to my neighbor's place, but when I get there, there are two wolves (yes, I know, random), one white, one black.  They were on a leash but weren't happy to see me.  The white one starts growling viciously at me and ran towards me, but the leash kept him from getting too close.  But the leash on the black one was longer, so when the black one came at me, I held out my hand in defense and he bit my thumb.  I go back to my house and tells my dad that I need to get a shot.  He looks at his schedule and says "I would take you now, but I have meetings all afternoon, so we need to go afterwards."  This time, I thought to myself, he's not coming back after those meetings, he'll vanish again.... and then I woke up.

I know that it's my subconsciousness that is generating these dreams.  It's because I still miss him, and feel like I need closure... but part of me really wish that there is an alternate universe where he is still with me and we are just living a normal life, and I have this special gift that allows me to see that alternate universe through my vivid dreams.  But of course, that's science fiction.

Dreaming is a mysterious phenomenon for me.  I'm not going all Freudian or anything, but I do believe that dream interpretation is a valid way to map a person's subconscious.  Of course, lets not forget that dreams are often meaningless, generated by nothing but random signals from neurons in the brain that project images in the sensory blah blah blah.... *yawn* For the sake of me feeling superior, I will believe that my dreams have special meanings.

Do you have any recurring dreams?  What are they?  What do you think they mean?!

Dedicated to the Dolphins

Dear My Loving People of the World,

I urge you all to watch this documentary "The Cove".  Never have I ever seen anything so depressing.  It's the kind of depression that makes one want to get up and kill someone.

Let me start by briefly explain what the movie is about for those who hasn't seen it.  Basically this guy Rick O'Barry, former animal trainer who trained all the dolphins for the TV series Flipper, had an epiphany when one of his dolphins became depressed and died in his arms.  After retiring from the business, he became an animal rights activist, prominently speaking out against aquatic animal captivity and their killings.  He and other activist filmmakers were in Taiji, Japan, a small town whose local economy is mainly dependent upon dolphin hunting.  To get footages of these cruel dolphin slaughtering activities, Rick and his cameramen had to disguise themselves in broad daylight, be confronted by angry Japanese fishermen with their "personal space" issues, and all the while try not to get arrested.  

The film shows how these supposedly human-beings are killing the dolphins by cornering them into the cove and stabbing them one by one.  Most dolphins do not die instantly so you can see them struggle in the water while bleeding to death.  The water in the surrounding area quickly darkens by the blood, it's a literal depiction of the "red sea".  One would think the reason why tens of thousands of dolphins are slaughtered is because of it's in high demand.  But it's actually not that simple.  Dolphin meat is VERY high in mercury content, and therefore not a desirable commodity.  However, in some markets, it is labeled as whale meat to be more appealing.  The government conspires with fishery agencies to cover up the whole thing.  Most of the population in Japan is not even aware of what is happening in Taiji.  It's absolutely sickening to even imagine the level of corruption that is going on behind the scenes. But parts of it is shown in the film.

As I was watching this, hearing the dolphins scream as they were rounded up and killed, I thought to myself: do these people have no humanity at all?  In the film, you see these fishermen step onto these half-died dolphins like they're nothing and they laugh at these Americans, they think it's perfectly okay what they're doing.  I get that to some people, an animal is an animal.  They can't associate themselves with animals who can't talk back.  But the way these fishermen are so protective of their "privacy", not letting these filmmakers get an inch closer proves that in some level, they know what they are doing is wrong and would be disapproved by millions if exposed.  

I don't know, maybe I'm too emotionally biased because I think dolphins are beautiful and intelligent creatures.  When I see normal fishermen throwing around tilapias on a boat, I have no other reaction besides "oh that looks fresh"..  But seeing the dolphins flap around wounded with a trail of blood around it just made it that much harder not to be affected.  

It's definitely a film worth seeing.  If you have Netflix, it's in the Instant Queue, and if you don't, you can find all the parts on Youtube: 

And for those who want to make a difference, go to www.takepart.com/cove.  

One last thing.

For those fishermen, I think they deserve to be hanged, but taken down alive, have their private parts cut off, their arms cut off and burned right in front of their lively little Japanese eyes, then burn them alive. 

Sorry for the imagery, but I had a whole hour while watching the film to think of the torturous way of them to be finished off.  Some people deserve worse than death alone. 

Sincerely, 

Me

It's late, I just finished a full-length LSAT practice test and I'm beat. But I wanted to update even though no one is reading (it's probably better this way anyway).

My mind wonders during the day due to lack of work assignments, but I still have to pretend to look like I'm busy in the office so they don't fire me... ya know how that goes.  My boss was nice enough to let me have Wednesdays off until my test day, as long as I work enough during other days to make 40-hr work week.  So it's been REALLY tough trying to fill the hours.  By tough I mean I have to constantly get up and walk around and pretend that I'm going to important places doing important things; I always have to have papers scattered on my desk to look like I'm actually doing stuff; I have to be careful not to get caught going on social networking sites; basically just a lot of acting.  Some people may say "hey, what are you complaining about? you get paid for doing nothing!" uhhhh, it ain't that easy.  They obviously have no idea how hard it is to watch a youtube video without watching it.

Anyhoo... back on track.  So when my mind wonders, I think about a lot of life decision related things... like what should my step in life be? Get a new job? Get a boyfriend? Get a dog? What??!?  And there are the Q's like "what do I really want?" As I thought about all this, I came to the conclusion that I really haven't worked hard on any thing in my life.  Everything has been pretty much handed to me.  I've never had real obstacles.  So maybe that's why I've never really appreciated the things I do have.  There's a Chinese proverb, which basically translates to "All good things are hard to come by".  By "all good things", it means things that bring the most joy in life and are irreplaceable.  So I think to myself (in LSAT formal logic terms OF COURSE) that since most of the things I have now were all very easily obtained, they must not be life's treasures.  I don't know why, but it just motivates me to actually put in a little bit more work than before towards achieving my next goal: kicking stupid lsat in the rear.

Of course, other great motivators include: future traveling plans, paid vacations, finally being able to see my beloved friends, eat out, get a new car (cross my fingers and hoping mommy dearest would help me in the finance department), and most importantly NEVER THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

So here's to me sucking it up for the next three weeks.  I may bitch and moan, but it'll all be temporary!

Remembering September 11, 2001

I had just been in this country for about a month at the time.  Most of my classes in the morning were ESL (English as Second Language) classes.  Since school had only been in session for about a week, I really hadn't learned much.  I could vaguely remember some frantic whispering in the hallways as we were being led to the cafeteria.  I was thinking to myself why were we going to the cafeteria so early in the morning? It's not even lunch time yet.  Then I spotted the only people I knew in the school, some Chinese kids, and went to them.  They pointed to the TV and said there was some kind of attack in New York City.  I had never been to NYC and the only things I've ever heard about the city was from some Chinese-American movies, which didn't show the Twin Towers, so my knowledge of them or about them was next to zero.  All I remember was seeing two really tall buildings in smoke.  I couldn't grasp the seriousness of the situation or what it meant.  I thought it was an accident.  I'm sure the word "terrorist" was being said multiple times but there was no way that I could understand it.  The only information I could gather from the people around me was that we were being sent home early.  To this day, I still can't remember what I was feeling.  Was I scared? Was I confused?  I must have been confused since I didn't understand a word people were saying.  But I honestly do not have any recollection of what I was feeling at all.  I didn't know why some kids were crying.  And I didn't know why we were being sent home.  There was no one to translate for me, everyone was busy with their own emotions, so I just went with the flow.

I got home and my mom hadn't left for work yet.  She was watching TV and calling her friends on the phone.  She told me someone called her and said the Twin Towers had been hit by planes and soon after, they collapsed.  She said she thought it was happening in a movie since there was a movie years ago with similar scenario, but her friend assured her it was all very real.  Then she started saying how shameful it was to have such a huge loss.... I still didn't understand what it meant.  Thinking back now, I feel like an idiot.  How could I not know what the World Trade Center was??

A few months after the event, we went to NYC to visit family friends and the ground zero was just opened for public viewing.  As I watched crowds of people putting down teddy bears and writing notes on the boards, I finally felt the overwhelming feeling of loss.  I don't know how or why, but I felt what others were feeling..  sadness.  I didn't know anyone who died there, but I felt connected to the people who lost their loved ones.  Each person who lost their lives that day was someone's father, son, daughter, mother, friend... We all lost someone we love unexpectedly and violently in the hands of killers with no remorse or humanity.  All the feelings that I didn't feel on the actual day of the attack came rushing down on me and I just broke down.

One thing I know I would never understand is how could anyone do such a thing... I know we have a label for those people: terrorists.  But were they just born without any humanity?  What kind of religious belief would drive someone to kill thousands of people and still feeling justified doing so?

I'm sure as the world come together to remember this tragic day, there will be plenty of stories from survivors and close-by speculators of the event.  Some may feel the guilt that they survived and others didn't, but we all just have to remember that what happened is in the past.  We cannot bring back the dead, but we can live for them.  Live your life to the fullest, if not for yourself then for those who sacrificed theirs for you.

My Saturday morning exercise.. brain exercises

Only 3 more weeks!!!  I'm anxious, nervous, scared, so I'm definitely not ready. But I also can't wait to get this thing over with!  I've already come up with a list of fun things to do with my friends after the "big day" to get me motivated, let's just say that we have to spread out the activities over several weekends.. :D 

A few things sparkled in my mind in the past few days that are worth mentioning, but I'll only talk about one right now...

I've always been told to never be dependent on others for money.  If I want something, I work for it and get it myself.  Simple right?  It's not so easy when the things I want cost many times more than what I can make hahaa... but that's beside the point.  Over the past 2 years, I've seen a lot of ... say privileged kids from China.  The ones from my home town were mostly my dad's old business acquaintances's sons and daughters.  I admit, it wasn't easy being with them knowing that I could've had what they have, a happy family and bank load of cash to spend.  But after getting to know them, I'm glad to be just the way I am.  For one, I am not completely dependent on my family's money.  Maybe it's because I grew up in America, where majority of the people still value a honest paycheck.  These kids have never worked a day in their lives and still feel entitled to have the world.  Yes, they are rich, and their families can actually afford anything they want, but why don't they want something better?  Something that may have more meaning than just throwing thousands of dollars on a bag that will only be used once?  I make no apology for judging their frivolous spending.  It's not a philosophical matter of "how do you know their values aren't as good as yours?" bullshit.  It's a matter of having any values at all.  

I've made my point clear to these kids that I think they have no real substance or worth to this world, nor will they ever be successful (I'm just that blunt). And their response?? "Well, I'm the only heir so when my parents are gone, all the money will just go to me anyway, so what's theirs is mine" and "why should I work so hard when I don't need to?"  I was speechless.  This is what the next generation of China looks like.  I don't think America has anything to worry about right now... as long as you continue to teach your kids to work for a living, you're golden.  Oh, also, maybe plug some stores from Fifth Ave to every major city in China, and your economy will be saved in a year, tops.

Just to think what might or actually will happen to these kids when they grow older?  They obviously aren't looking into getting their own jobs, or have any goals of achieving something in their lives, unless you call finally getting the exclusive Birkin bag from Hermes is a worthy goal, then these are your over-achievers.  I personally think it'll take nothing short of a miracle for these kids to want to do something on their own.  

As I always say, everything happens for a reason.  I was just never meant to be disgustingly rich because my personality will probably not go well with it.  And some people are just never meant to do anything with their lives. It all balances out. hahaa

Love is in the air! First Wedding

Before yesterday, I'd only been to one wedding in my adult life, as someone's date.  It was short, sweet and ended with a lot of food consumption.  I didn't know the groom well, and I didn't know the bride at all. That was almost 2 years ago.

I've always loved the idea of going to weddings.  The thought of witnessing two people in love, taking the first step into a life long commitment just makes my heart go all warm.  So when I got my first ever invitation, I jumped with excitement.  I was so stoked to know that my close friend from high school is marrying another friend of mine from college!  I was there when they first met and I can honestly say that I knew from day 1 that they would end up together.  It's just one of those things that you JUST KNOW from your gut.

The wedding reception was anything but ordinary.  They didn't do the whole Asian thing 100%, and yet, they didn't go all Westernized either.  It was a nice mix of all 3 cultures (Chinese, Vietnamese, and ... French?) lol.  From the different varieties of foods, to music and dresses (there was 3 dress changes for the bridal party), to unconventional games,  it was definitely refreshing to see a different take on a traditional practice.  At the wedding, I caught up with some friends that I haven't seen since transferring back to my home state university 4 years ago.  It's times like that make people all come together and celebrate life's greatest pleasures.  I couldn't stop smiling all night..

A friend of mine warned me about going to the wedding alone, single.  She said I'd make a prime target for the "wedding crashers", but who are we all kidding?  Asians just don't do that.  We don't have the balls to.  And I was right.  The fact that I stood a good 3 inches taller than most of the men at the wedding really didn't help facilitate any potential picker-uppers.  In the world outside of the Asian community, being 5'7'' is really nothing to gawk about, even if I wear 3 inch heels, but in a room full of South Asians, I was pretty much the mutated giant that no one knows could possibly be living and breathing.  But hey, who cares.  There ain't nothing I can do about my height and they just jealous they can't breath the fresh air on top...

I didn't bring my bigass D-SLR so I just snapped shots with my phone.. some of them were at least viewable :)

Bride&Groom and their little elfs sit way up front

Cute table setting

Big Entrance: going through all these people

Couldn't get a good shot, but her dress was beautiful! 

Semi-Asian menu, French served though = not enough food

Delicious 7-layers of fruit cake goodness (I only managed to get the mango flavor)

"Table toast"-Asian thing, the bride&groom go to each table to toast the guests as way of thank you, we got 'em tequila shots ;) 

Me & the GORGEOUS bride

And the handsome groom  

I just hope that one day I'll be lucky to experience ALL of that and more, but no rush.  Unlike all the Asian moms around me, I don't care that I'm 23 and don't have a boyfriend.  They think it'll be the end of the world (or end of "possibilities") if girls are still single by mid-20s.  I think whatever is meant to happen will happen, and besides, my friend and I already have a verbal agreement that by the time we're not married at 35, we'll just marry each other.  Friendships make lasting relationships, right?

Good night.

Hurricanes, Tornados, Earthquakes, throw it all in and see what happens

After last tuesday's minor ground shaking, we had a nice little visitor Irene accompanied by mini-tornadoes over the weekend.  Mother nature must of really wanted to test our defenses against natural disasters.  After hearing days of warning of how bad Irene was going to be, I'd say majority of the people actually listened... Because by 5pm on Friday, I've heard numerous reports about how giant supermarkets like Target and Wal-Mart ran out of water, and gas stations ran out of gas.  Wow.  I wonder if people thought a surviving through a hurricane was the equivalent of drive across the country nonstop.  There was a guy I saw at the gas station filling up 2 5-gal containers of gas AND stocking up a propane tank in the trunk.  Talking about getting blown away..  Maybe it'd be bad karma to joke about this stuff.... But thank goodness, the higher grounds of Northern Delaware did not get as much of an impact from Irene as forecasted, and we are truly grateful.  Granted, there was some distasteful complaining from people online saying how uneventful the hurricane was, and how everyone else was making such a huge fuss, but I know it was just their twisted way of saying Thanks to mother nature for sparing us.  My condolences go out to the families who lost their loved ones in the disaster.

Earlier today, there was news that two bodies were found in a tributary just miles down from my house. That particular tributary actually flows down right outside of my neighborhood.  Though I didn't know the two guys they found, some of my friends knew them through school.  They were only 25 years old.  No one knew exactly what happened, but apparently they were trying to run through the storm during its peek hours from one friend's house to another.  When I read the article, all I could think about was "How could they have been so reckless?!"  Whether or not the tragedy could've been avoided, it's a tragedy nonetheless.  Hopefully it served as a lesson to some other brave hearts that when every news station is telling you to stay indoors during a hurricane, maybe you should listen.

With all this talk about natural disasters for the past week, I personally would really like a change of topic.  I'm tired of hearing "what if"s, or to think about what would happen "if....." I just want to live life as it is, take whatever it's throwing at me and carry on.  The end of my world will come when it comes, and it's the same for everyone else.  What is the point of trying to figure out what will happen? Can we even figure that out?  The bottom line is, no matter how much ahead we plan our futures, how meticulously detailed the plans are to cover every possibility (which by the way is impossible because life has endless possibilities), we will always always be interrupted and taken off our course because of the unforeseeable possibility (see previous parenthesis).  Am I making myself clear enough?  So I'm letting it go.  Life is so much easier lived if I stop thinking of the 100 ways I could die of in the next minute and half.  The only thing I would do is never forgetting to tell the people I love how much they mean to me, and maybe always keep my room clean (it looks like the hurricane came to my room and left in a hurry)... you never know who's coming to pick up your stuff after you're gone. ;)

Lets rock the world and see what happens

Yesterday was a groundbreaking day.  

I was sitting at my desk at work and everything just started shaking.  Then it stopped.  And it shook again.  In my head I was thinking "Who IS that?! Wow this person has some serious heavy steps! He/She should be passing through any second now..." ........... Nothing.  Then the possibility of earthquake came in mind, but I quickly brushed it aside.  "This is Delaware, we don't have earthquakes."   I thought maybe I was losing my mind.  So the fact that everyone else stuck their heads up and started to look around like startled squirrels proved me wrong.

News confirmed that the residents of the peaceful, usually-natural-disaster free East Coast experienced a tremor from a 5.9 magnitude earthquake in VA.  Personally, I didn't think it was a huge deal, I've experienced earthquakes before.  But for a lot of East Coasters, it was a cherry-popper.  Online social networking sites were flooded with updates about the quake, the wireless phone lines were all down, and there was some "end of the world" theories spreading around.  All was acceptable since it's such a rare occurrence that an earthquake of that magnitude ever strikes the East Coast.  It's like Californians freaking out about having snow... The end of the world MUST be really coming... -_-

After the clearly devastating disaster (total sarcasm if you haven't caught it), my mom and I were talking about what we should do in case of a REAL groundbreaking, earth shattering, over 7 magnitude earthquake: get under a desk or lie on the ground nearest a stable structure, ie. kitchen counters.  And if you just happen to be carrying a hard wooden board around, you can use that as protection... or take a small mattress pad and lie in the bathtub.  But really, who's going to have time for that?!  If you happen to be in a high-rise when the quake happens, you're better off just staying wherever you are, there's really no point in running to the stairs.  Leave it to destiny. 

Do Anything BUT facebooking/tweeting/blogging about the disaster while it is still happening and you are still in the danger zone.  You'd be surprised how many people resort to tweeting "Hmm, the tornado is coming" instead of running for cover.  Um. Like telling your devoted followers you might be in the middle of a tornado will somehow save yo ass.  Please save your postings for AFTER you are sure of your own safety. Please. 

This concludes today's nonsense. Thanks for reading. 

WHAT is wrong with people in this world?!!!!!

9/2/2011
JUST saw this...
Toddlers and Tiaras: 4-yr-old dressed up as Dolly Parton with fake tush and boobs

WOW

This morning on my way to work, as per usual, I tuned in to my radio.  Instead of the commercial-free playlist I usually get, the morning radio crew on Q102 were actually on and doing some kind of recap of The Jersey Shore.  Now, I've never watched a single complete episode of that show since I don't like reality TV to begin with. The whole notion of following a group of do-nothing, obnoxious, overtanned, useless ugly people just doesn't seem very appealing.  One guy on radio was telling everyone else what happened last night... apparently someone hooked up with someone else that they're not supposed to... or WHATEVER.  I listened to about 2 mins and had to switch stations.  The whole time I was thinking to myself.. WTF. Why is there such a show?  Why do people watch this sh*t?  For the life of me, I cannot grasp the appeal of such "entertainment"... maybe I just don't have a sense of humor, but I really do feel like its stuff like this that demish people's intelligence.  I fully understand the concept of unwinding by indulging in meaningless shows, afterall, we all need mental breaks every so often.  But the whole thing with reality TV is just getting out of hand!  You see toddlers walking around with full-on makeup and hair extensions competing in beauty pageant; there's the Swamp People wrestling gators and speaking what it seems to be a foreign language, but it's not; there's spoiled teenagers getting million-dollar birthday parties... should I go on??  I only know of a handful of these shows and every one of them makes me either laugh at their stupidity or furious at the fact that they are getting any attention at all.  DO WE NOT HAVE OTHER THINGS TO WATCH?! 

Then, I tuned in WSTW. And there was celebrity news.  Great timing.  Apparently, the infamous Kim Kardashian is getting married this weekend, no biggie.  I've gotten so used to the idea that her name is mentioned at least twice daily around me, and nothing she does will never surprise me anymore. Don't ask me why I even pay attention to that crap, I really don't want to... but it's inevitable. I WAS shocked today though by the pricetag of her wedding... a whopping 20 MILLION dollas.  I literally almost hit the highway median.  WTF, Kim.  Granted, she's probably not paying a penny, in fact, it wouldn't even shock me if she's getting paid instead, since it is going to be featured on her show (lets not get started on that reality tv again..).  But TWENTY MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS !!!!!!  Does anyone have any idea how many kids can be fed with that much money?? Forget starving African children, look at the US right now!!  I swear, I will never understand these people.  I know some wealthy people, but they actually do some good in this world, what exactly do the Kardashians and the rest of "self/sex-made" famous celebrities do??  I think I should stop here because I really get nasty.

On last piece of news before I turned off the radio altogether... A man apparently drove his truck while knowing fully well that the brakes were not working.  He drove it thinking if he ever needed to stop, he could just open the driver's side door and putting his foot on the pavement to stop the car.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!  Needless to say, he caused a heck of an accident, hitting 4 cars.  Yeah, no kidding.  This is what is wrong with the world.  Idiotic bastards who don't have a single sense in his peasized brain thinking he can be real-life superman and stop a effing truck using his foot.  I'm disappointed his foot didn't just get cut off.  It just shows that no matter how careful and smart we are being, there is always someone with water in their brain to make our lives that much more vulnerable. 

This concludes today's rant. Thank you for tuning in.

Obsession at the moment

Charice Pempengco!!!!

For those who don't know who she is, she is only THE MOST VOCALLY TALENTED teenager on this friggin' planet!!  Google her and you'll read her story.  For such a petite and young person, she has an incredible voice. 

I shed tears every time I watch this video.  It's one of my all time fave songs with one of my fave musicians. 

 

Anyway, this is how I got through TODAY.  I am sure as the test day comes near, I will need plenty more videos/songs to keep me from pulling my hair out.  Always trust the power of good music to sooth me. 

Good night/day.

Past is part of the present

Has it been a week already?!

Am I the only person who thinks time is escaping like sand in the palm of a hand?!

I really do wish someone would invent time travel already, and I don't mean the going-forward kind, because no one wants to grow old faster... It'd be nice to be able to go back in time to do what we wanted/planned to do before but ran out of time to do it!  For me, it would be going back to my college years and study my ass off so I wouldn't be sitting on my ass now trying to master a ridiculous score on the LSAT so law schools will forgive my less than pleasing GPA.  Heck. I'd probably want to go back further in time.. say kindergarden, the time of childhood blissful ignorance and joy!  I could also go back in time to save the people I love from leaving me permanently... Just to think of the possibilities!!  Although, it's probably a good thing that such time traveling ability hasn't been realized yet, because it would be most likely disastrous.

Anywhooo, the reason for the rant is because LSAT is grabbing me by my invisible tail right now and I am going semi-crazy.  It really does make me wish I tried harder before.  But I guess that's how I learn, that's how everyone learns.  From the mistakes that I made in the past, I know to try and do better in the future.  Whether it may be the third second-chance or a new opportunity, there is always the possibility that what I've learned in the past will help me improve.  So I embrace my mistakes and failures; I won't let the possibility of failing prevent me from achieving my goal either!

Okay, that's enough optimism for the day. I look forward to emerging from the pile of books a new woman in six weeks!

Happy 10

In continuance to last post, tomorrow marks my official 10th year anniversary of stepping foot into this country.  It still doesn't seem real.  Having said that, I'm not going to dwell on the details of the past.

So, I've been working full time since beginning of the month.  It's definitely a different experience and it takes some getting used to.  I don't know why I was ever excited about growing up and having a real job in  Corporate America, now that I'm in it, I don't feel accomplished at all.  Sure, I'm grateful for even having a job in this crap bag of an economy, but I see better things in my future.  When I get bored at work (which happens very often), I like to think of all the potentially "fun" things I wouldn't mind doing while getting paid...

• Food judge~ I don't stand alone on this one.  I know MANY people would love this profession, and many people are envious of those who actually have this profession.  Honestly, who wouldn't love to be able to eat delicious food while getting paid the big bucks?! Of course, there's a judge for every kind of food... snack, entree, pastry, frozen food, astronaut food, candy.. let your imagination go wild!
• Resort expert~ I saw a posting somewhere way back for a couple to live in a newly established vacation resort somewhere in the tropics for a year, and all they have to do is live there and blog everything, and the salary was INSANE.  Of course, they wanted someone who's great with words to describe and potentially advertise for their establishment, but how awesome is that!  
• Professional traveler~ I know that somewhere someone is making a career out of this. Going around all areas of the world, document the incredible journeys they have and making a profit. I don't know for sure if there is such a profession, but I'd like to dream there is, because maybe One day, I will get it ;P
• Secret agent~ I've always fantasized about being a secret agent, being able to fight crime, doing hand combat with dirtbags, being all hardcore.. Too bad I wasn't born with good hand-eye coordination, or the ability to run over a mile at a time lol, otherwise I could've been an ass-kicking, nose-punching, lock-picking agent. 
• Professional performer~ This was possible at one point in my life... too bad I gave up too early. My mom insisted on me taking piano, singing and dance lesson at an early age (3!!), from what I heard, I was pretty good at all of them.  With piano, I've accomplished a lot, but nothing since high school, while singing and dancing kind of just lost their way somewhere between age 10 and 11. There had been fantasies where I stand in front of thousands and being amazing. Oh well.. 
• Fortune cookie writer~ no surprise there! I've gotten some rather meaningless/humorless/helpless fortunes. I definitely think I could do better... I can always use my ancient Chinese wisdom! lol

Well that's enough fantasies for one night.  There's always more day-dreaming come the next day.  I shall leave you a few funny job choices I found while browsing the web.. just think, would YOU want any of these as your careers? You can google each and see what they do.. some are pretty self-explanatory. 

• Breath odor evaluator
• Chicken sexer
• Armpit sniffler
• Toilet paper sniffler
• Crocodile wrangler (may Steve RIP)
• Professional whistler
• Goat milker
• Ostrich babysitter (I've personally seen them, it's not a hard job at all)
• Adult store attendant 
• Alcohol ambassador 
• Pet psychologist 

And the list will go on, but just not here.  Some professions seem more attractive than others.. like alcohol ambassador, who wouldn't want that job? As there's a Chinese saying "365 professions, there's a champion in every profession".  Someone's gotta do the job that no one else wants, and likewise, someone will always come on top for the job that everyone wants, right?  

 

Life is just a basket full of possibilities

Confession: there were times when I could have posted and wrote something meaningful but was just too darn lazy.

This month marks my TENTH anniversary since stepping onto American soil.  10 years.  At first, agonizing, then it became "home", comfortable, the "place I'd rather be".  It's strange how a person can acclimate to a completely different culture and environment.  It's more strange how a single event can change a person's, or should I say people's lives forever.  My dad's passing gave me this life.  Not to get sentimental here or anything, but not a single day goes by without me thinking what would've been different if he was still here.  I've heard people say "things happen for a reason". Maybe.  But someone else brought a different prospective, he said "it's how we act accordingly (to events happened) that make us think whatever happened did happen for a reason."  It's a lot of twist and turns, but it makes sense if you think about it.

For me, life is just a big pot of opportunities, possibilities, and surprises.  You never know what's going to happen next, that's the beauty of it all.  What's the point of having everything planned out in life?  Something will happen and change the course of that plan, and then what?  Make new plans?  Why don't we all just let it play out and see what happens?   It may sound like a lazy person's way of thinking, but doesn't it just sound more.... lively?  Maybe this is why I'm not a top rank Harvard graduate, because we all know THOSE people had their every step of their successful lives planned to the T.  In all reality, I think I would be a miserable beeotch if I were really an Ivy Leaguer.

10 years ago, I would've never imagined that I would still be living in this tax-free state.  Hell, I didn't even think I'd still be in the country.  Before I came here, when my friends from middle school asked how long I was coming for, I said I'd be back in a month, before school started.  And BAM. I stayed for 6 years before I stepped on China soil again.
I never thought my English would ever be good enough, and yet people say I don't have any accent.  I can't even fake a Chinese accent if I wanted to, it just comes out like I'm trying to speak slowly.  There were so many things I never thought I would have, and I have them all.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is, we never know what life will bring us, there's no guarantee that everything will be good, but we should count everything as a blessing in disguise.

That concludes today's report.  I will try to do better next time.

Worst at keeping up with things

I am the worst blogger in the history of blogging.  I don't even qualify as a blogger due to the lack of posts!  But here I am again, trying to make it up.  I really want to keep this up, but it's just so hard!  I don't know how people do it, writing out stuff every day is tough.

I've been struggling with some things over the past week (actually, more like my entire adult life). Mainly with the career decision.  Yay for being a grown up!  Summer is half way done, which means pretty soon I will be faced with the pain of LSAT, yet again.  It's honestly the hardest freaking thing I've ever come across.  The actual questions themselves are not so bad, it's the TIMING.  My mind can't even focus for more than 10 mins at a time, let alone 4+ hours of non-stop testing.  This time will be the final straw, it will either make me or break me.  My future depends on it.

I've heard people say law school is for geniuses who don't know what they want to do in life. Well, I'm not a genius, but I know what I will do with a JD degree though.  The problem is getting through those steel doors.  In the meanwhile, I've been offered to work full time at my job.  I could definitely use the $$ but I keep doubting myself... Will I be able to work and keep up with my test prep??  I want to mentally prepare myself for being glued to a desk and a computer (both for work and studying at home), so I could start building some self discipline.  The only thing keep me going is having my whole family behind me and supporting me, and the fact that I can finally have a stress free (aside from school applications) year!!

So this will be me from now until October 1st.

Credit goes to a talented Asian studying animation. 

Oh say, can you see

I've been lazy lately. After our family friends left on Saturday, I've been catching up with some zzzz's and pretty much enjoying life again.  

Hope everybody had a good Independence Day.  It had be thinking about the American Dream.  It's a totally cliche subject but still valid to discuss.  Going back to the beginning, the very thing that got me here was the pursuit of the American Dream.  It wasn't that we weren't living a good life before, but my dad wanted a even better life for me; better education, better living environment, better quality of air (let's face it, the air in China is 90% dirt).  I don't know if American citizens realize this, but they have it easy.  For the rest of the world without the freedom of anything, we really have 2 choices, to fight (and possibly die) or to keep quiet and accept the cards we've been dealt.  People here (by that I mean born citizens) really have no idea what it is like living in a totally different political environment.  I'm not bashing on a certain lifestyle or government, I'm merely stating that some people should consider some relativity before opening their mouths and complain.  

America, being the land of the free really has nothing for free.  Thousands died for their freedom, wars still being fought to keep their freedom and yet people continue to whine.  Every single new-comer I've encountered in recent years have noted the fact that it is truly a pleasure to step foot in this country.  As successful as these people are in their own homeland, they still appreciated certain things that the US could offer.  It puts the perspective that nothing in the world is perfect, so we should just be grateful for what we have. I certainly am.  To me, being appreciative doesn't mean losing the motivation for reaching higher goals.  We all can strive for better, but at the same time recognize a good thing when we have it. 

I, for one will always appreciate life as it is.  I'm happy to be here, where I am, but at the same time I am making an effort for a better future.  The American Dream my dad had for me was to have a top notch education.  To him, an American education is far better than any where else's.  He admired the creativity and independence that the children were encouraged to develop at an young age.  So I feel like in that respect, I've turned out the way he would approve.  I've had the taste of both worlds; the strict discipline from the Chinese education system and the more free-spirited teaching of American education.  Now, my next step is learning how to utilize what I've gathered through living both worlds.  

On a brighter note, in light of celebrating America's birthday, I went to see some fireworks.  In all honesty, I wasn't really all that impressed with the show itself, but seeing so many people on the road being so hyped up on this special day made me feel a little patriotic too.  Pix will come soon (my computer is being a brat right now).

thinking thoughts

So I've been spending a lot of time with our family friends over the past two weeks trying to help their daughter settle in, taking the parents out shopping, and getting all the essential services set up.  I've come to realize a few things recently.  One thing for sure is that I don't wish to have their lives or money if I could.  This wasn't the first time I've had to help some wealthy family friends move to this country, most of them were my dad's old business associates.  I have no doubt that if my dad was still here, we would be well off like most of his old partners are now, but I'm not so sure that it would be a good thing.  I'm not saying that it wouldn't be nice to spend thousands without hesitation, but something just feels off.  Having money has its own downside.  You would think that rich people would be capable of a lot more things than us plain folks, but they are also lacking a lot of other qualities in life, ones that money cannot buy.  It's hard to get into details because they are so many, but a few simple ones like compassion, understanding, loyalty, independence are all among the things they could definitely improve on.  There are certain things that people think they are entitled to, both for the wealthy and poor.  Poor people think they deserve help from others, and the wealthy think they deserve to be served.  Maybe I'm generalizing too much and being a bit harsh, but what's what it seems to me.

In a sad way, I'm glad how my life has turned out.  A lot of people say I've experienced too much "life" already at an young age, especially the kind of "life" that no one wants experience.  But that has thought me lessons that I will always treasure.  It's made me a strong person, capable of things that I would otherwise never dare to do.  And yes, it came with a greater price.  That is something I can't change, and can only accept as part of a master plan by the super(wo)man upstairs.  I believe in everything happens for a reason.  In a way, I also see it as me being saved from a wasteful and useless life, because the person I am today care more about thousand dollar shoes.  I don't want to bash anyone's lifestyle or beliefs but I just know now more than ever that I love how my life has turned out, considering the circumstances.

Pictures Only

Some of the pictures I took over the past week or so... 

View of Fifth Ave from Gucci (a tiny portion)

View from the hotel terrace (The bright ass place is Time Square)

Time Square at about 12AM

Ant colony

Toilet seat on top of a van. Very convenient. 

Pimp Daddy at Staten Island Ferry station.

my new bling 

my new friend :) 

mid-week beach trip. REALLY nice weather... too bad I didn't have my suit on.

there's a First time for everything

Hello Again World!! I'm still alive. If anyone was wondering..

I took a spontaneous trip to AC on thursday and ended up in NYC for 3 days.  Now I'm back and tired as ever, so I'll make this quick.

I finally had a glimpse of how the riches live (in reference to our family friends).  It's not that they throw money around and wasting it (although some people may see it that way), they just don't have the same worries as ordinary folks have, like if they go over budget.  It definitely made me think of the "what if's"... what if my dad was still here, what if his business had been successful, what if.... It's all pointless to think about but at the end of the day, it's all I could think about.  Our friends say that I'm super independent and mature for my age, they're impressed by the fact that I'm only 23 and can talk to any official personnel professionally and negotiate just about anything.  When they complimented me, all I could think about was "if it weren't for my dad, the situation my mom and I were forced to be in, I would be just like any other kid (of the same circle of friends), spoiled, careless,  and pretty much useless."

Without further delay here are some of the "Firsts":  (pictures will soon follow)

• first time traveling 2 days without luggage, daily essentials, and no change of clothes... not to worry, we bought clothes and hotels provided us with everything else 
• first time playing blackjack. <not a winner>
• first time at Tiffany&Co. My first ever T&Co is a Fleur de lis key pendant with diamonds in platinum (courtesy of friends)
• first time at The Water Club
• first time on Fifth Ave and nearby places for the extremely wealthy, needless to say I felt kind of out of place lol
• first time shopping in Cartier
• first time staying at Five Star hotels, namely The Chatwal and St. Regis (Chatwal was modern chic, with toilets that wash your cute bottoms and St. Regis is traditional English, both elegant in its own way)
• first time having a real English butler 
• first time not getting lost in Manhattan 
• first pair of Gucci strappy sandals
• first time spending over $300 on parking 
• first time touring/shopping in Time Square at midnight
• first time driving through the middle of Time Square and being cm's away from running over pedestrians
• first time not experiencing ANY traffic coming out of Manhattan 

I think that's pretty much it.  My brain is not working anymore and I definitely do not feel my legs, it's a sure sign to head to bed.  Please check back tomorrow for pictures.

G'night, lovely people.

Well I am about 1 hour and 20 minutes too late, but yesterday, June 22nd, marked my mom's 10th year of being in this country.  She came with her best friend at the time after learning that my dad had been involved in an "accident" (that's what the authorities called it).  She basically panicked and agreed to let her friend accompany her here instead of taking me.  Little did she know that her little b*tch of a friend left her a few days after arriving in the country for "an opportunity of a life time" to work and make some easy American dollars.  It was the most difficult time and the witch just left my mom alone in the hotel.  I know it's been a decade and I should probably forgive and forget, but if anyone out there who has been through the same thing and still managed to be forgiving, I would gladly hand them a metal.  It was then my mom and I knew we could only count on ourselves in life.  Friendship just doesn't mean a whole lot in this day and age. 

Speaking of friendships, here are some of my rather depressing examples.  I've had my share of "friends" over the years and I could only call a very few of them true friends.  It's natural that people grow apart and move on, and I certainly don't hold grudges against people under this circumstance.  It's the "friends" who we supposedly could count on during hardships unexpectedly turn their backs that really irritate me.  Then there are the "friends" who would only call when they need something, otherwise you would think they live under a rock or something.  Of course, me being my stupid and naive self used to think that these people would change one day, but I was always left with more disappointments.  And what about the people who always say "we should hangout", "I'll call you", or "lets keep in touch" but never ever ever do!! Why say such things if you have no intention of act upon them? 

Okay, sorry about the negativity.  Revisiting the past just took me to a very unhappy place.  Here's some jolly good stuff...

Saw these cuties by the pond outside of the Capitol Building. My mom seriously tried to catch some ducklings... lol (typical Asian)

Got this in a DC restaurant. Fitting, isn't it?! haha This is going to be my motivation from now on. 

OK, I will bore you no more.  Until next time!

Capital of the world

Good morning,

Today we are heading to Washington DC.  We're going to have a nice little talk with the nice man who helped me get into this country in 2001, Mr. Vice himself.  But seriously though, it's not easy to get into the white castle (and we're really not going to meet him because the guards would probably take us down before we get within 500 ft of him).  But it shall be fun.

Stay tuned!

Update: 11:00pm

After 14+ hours, I finally made it back home.  We started with the usual tour of DC from the National Mall  and concluded the tour after a visit at the "white castle".  There isn't anything that's worth blogging besides the somewhat awesome ride from the Hop-On and Hop-Off Tourmobile.  Since the weather was nice, not too sunny (we all know how Asians hate to be under the blazing sun), we sat on the top level.  Here are some pictures (very limited number because I was lazy).

Some crazy looking thing outside of the "concrete donut" I believe.

The Smithsonian Castle

We all know what this is... 

For Gina & Brian!!

I was disappointed that no one was home to serve me some afternoon tea! But I managed to get my hand inside the fence.   I guess I will have to wait to personally thank Mr. Biden for his lovely letter to the embassy that eventually gave me the green light to come to this country!!

White House

Some awesome glow in the dark rocks at the Natural History Museum :)

I was being a terrible tour guide today..  I normally love showing people around and showing off my knowledge (jk), but for some reason, I just wasn't feeling it today.  Though I did translate a lot of things while we were on the double-decker bus, I was definitely slacking on the guiding duties.

Of course, the trip wouldn't be complete without a stop at the Inner Harbor in Baltimore.  So for dinner, I took everyone to Bo Brooke's for some crab grubbing and oyster slurping.  The food was amazing as usual and we had a super fun server.  It was definitely an unique American experience for our friends.  

I love visiting new places and going sightseeing.  Though, I've been in this country for almost 10 years, and visited DC half a dozen times, there was still a lot of places I hadn't seen before.  And taking the grand tour on the tourmobile was refreshing and eye-opening.  DC is one of my favorite places to visit, and I wish I could live there sometime in the future.  I don't know if my dad ever visited the city, but I feel like if he had, he would've liked it too.  We share the same passion for traveling. In fact, I think I got the enthusiasm from him after traveling for 2 months in Africa when I was about 10 years old.  I hope one day I will have the opportunity to travel around the world and see all the places he missed. 

Good night world!! See you next time :)

Starting over

Before I get into today's blog, I want to thank all the people who have read my last post and encouraged me to continue on.  I especially appreicated my friend B's comment.  I know it's not easy to openly talk about things this personal, and I'm really grateful that he shared his thoughts.  I'm sure everyone has lost someone in their lives, and although we all have our own ways of grieving, it helps to open up to other people.  I've held my feelings inside for a decade, and nothing good came of it. I know now that it's nothing to be ashamed of, sharing my feelings doesn't make me weak! I hope more people will open up and share their experiences.

So today was rather hectic.  One of my dad's old business partner/investor/friend just came with his wife and daughter from China.  His daughter is starting school next week at U of D and we are helping them settle in.  So while my mom was working during the day, I took the family around and did a lot of errands.  But let me tell you people, I never realized how hard it is to start a life here until now.  Sure, I've helped others making the transition after moving here from China, but they all had help before from agencies prior to coming here.  With his family, everything had to be set up from ground zero.  The goals today were to get her a cell phone and a labtop, open a bank account, and shop for a car.  Well, we only managed to accomplish the first one, and they took half day's time!! You would be amazed at how hard it is to start any kind of service in this country without a SSN.

First, we went to the Apple store to get the phone and computer, but they couldn't start a new cellular service for my friend because she only has a passport as identification. So we went to the AT&T store.  The sales person had to call customer service to varify account information in order to take the $500 deposit, since she doesn't have a SSN.  After we waited over half an hour, they said there was a TWO hour turnover time to varify her information (as if they could call the Chinese embassy to varify her identity!).  So finally, we were fed up with the complicated process, and I offered to have her set up in my existing account.  No. Problem. Then we went on our merry way to the bank.  We found out that she couldn't open an account without a bill to varify her local address.  They need at least two utility bills to prove her residency, or have a government issued driver's licence or ID.  That became a whole other problem... because she is staying at our house until middle of July, and there is no way we could transfer utility service under her name, so HOW do these people expect her to prove her residency?  The lady suggested we go get her a State ID. I don't know what she was smoking, but if we didn't even have enough documentation to open a bank account, we definitely don't have enough to get an ID.  It was Catch 22.

I was already discouraged beyond believe at this point, and hoping that shopping for a car would be easy since she already knew what kind of car she wanted.  We went from Porsche, her original choice, to Audi, to BMW, to Benz. And at the end of the day, she is now left with more choices than she bargained for.  I've always thought life would be easy being rich, but apparently, nothing is easy these days. 

Honestly, I don't remember how my mom and I managed when we first came here.  Thanks to people from the Chinese-American center, who were kind enough to offer support and help.  But I do remember that things were a lot less complicated back then.  There was no such a thing as a $500 deposit to start cell phone service, and the bank was more than willing to open an account as long as there is money to be put in.  Now everything has a "security varification" incorporated in the process.  I guess it's a protective measure to ensure there is no fraudulent activities, but it makes things so much harder for newcomers.  I had to tell them "It's not that Americans are not welcoming you, it's all for your own protection!"

I hope things will go a lot more smooth in the next couple of days. I owe these people a lot more than just my help. They were there for my dad when he started his business, and they were there for my mom and I when we lost everything. So keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Until tomorrow.

Never had the chance...

I never had the chance to say goodbye.
I don't know what would be worse, seeing your loved one slip away right in front of your eyes, or not seeing them until a suit is put on and they're placed in a silk lined wooden box?  Seeing them would make it harder at the moment, but at least there's an opportunity of a life time (literally) to say how much you love them, right?  I have never had that opportunity unfortunately.  Some people say they have and it was the most traumatizing moment, but to me, I would rather have that moment and cherish it forever.  I would not see it as traumatizing but beautiful and forever memorable.

If I had the chance to say goodbye to my father, I would let him know that he meant the world to me.
If I had the chance to be by his side during the last moments of his life, I would beg him to stay with me, hang on tight just for me.  This is a repeating scene in my mind, it's like a broken record that keeps playing... I think to myself, if only I had been there for him, maybe he would have made it. But I will never find out now.

Everyone's perception of their loved ones is subjection.  As a child, I observed my dad from far away.  I listened to stories told by his friends and this is what I found out about him. As a friend, he was the man who got up at 4am in the morning when a friend of a friend called for help, he was the man who would loan people money because their business is tanking, he was also the one people would turn to at a dinner party to break the ice.  He brought friendship and laughter wherever he went.

I found letters that he wrote me during his business trips when I was young, I think I was too young to read his letters back then so my grandpa saved them for me.  It wasn't until recently I came across those letters.  There must have been a dozen of them and in every single one, he told me that all he ever wanted was to give me the best of everything in the world.  I wish I could go back in time and tell him that he was the best in the world to me.

My father never raised his voice at me.  You could say that I was a little Daddy's girl because whenever I did get to see him during the year, he would shower me with hugs and kisses.  Though, he spoiled me, he never let me forget that nothing in life comes for free.

It's been ten years since mom and I uprooted ourselves and moved to America.  Nothing has been easy.  It is one thing to move, it is quiet another to try and adapt to a new culture, learn the language, leave all the family and friends behind, and Start Over.  One thing I will say, though it may sound strange and totally cliche, but I never felt alone.  At times when everything was going south and suddenly, it's as if there is a strong force pulling on the other end and everything would work out magically.

During these years, mom and I have accomplished a lot.  Now that I'm in my 20's, with a handful of friends already married or getting married, I can't help but to think about my own big day.  I know it's a little too far ahead since my love life is nonexistent at the moment, but it just kills me that my dad won't be there to give me away, nor will I have a father-daughter dance!  I know I'm not the only girl without a father, I wonder how they make it through.

Anyways, I think I did okay for my first ever blog, and hopefully I can keep this up.
I never had the chance to tell My dad how much I loved him, but for all of you guys out there with fathers still with you, don't miss the chance.  Tell him how you feel, whether good or bad.  There is nothing worse than regretting a missed opportunity to speak your mind.

See you next time.